Find A Chair And Have A Seat

I was on the phone with my really good friend yesterday, chatting it up as we usually do. She is one of the most talented women I know, beyond smart, incredibly hilarious, creative beyond words. But she had been having a hard time lately finding the energy to joyfully create. She just felt…exhausted, but still felt the pressure to push her ideas into the world. A feeling i could strongly relate to. Where you want to do fiftyeleven things at once, but lack the energy to do even half of one. Where you keep seeing people do this, and that and this again, and you are wondering how the fuck they are doing it. Where it just seems like everyone is moving fast as hell, and you are just stuck in the same place, your ideas hounding you.

As she spoke of her feelings, what I was so inspired and impressed by, was how much she understood them. Although she was exhausted, and feeling the pressure of comparison, she also knew she was tripping. She knew her feelings of anxiety were because of how much pressure she was putting on herself. She had stacked her schedule with goals to achieve, that were quite literally guaranteed to result in exhaustion. She had done the thing that we all do, where we map out the most difficult unforgiving path, then beat ourselves up for failing to follow it. Literally setting ourselves up for failure.

Her realization, was so peaceful. “I am going to give myself a fucking break, because I clearly need it.” And sometimes, it really is just as simple as that.

Sometimes, we just need to unwrap our own hands from our throats, and give ourselves a moment to just inhale. Because somewhere along the journey of chasing our dreams, we became our own prey. Unforgiving and critical of every single thing we do.

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. If it was, I would be exactly where I deserve to be. I am not doing enough, and that’s why I am where I am. Other people are doing better. Other people are moving. Other people will pass me. I have to move faster.

We hunt our own selves this way, and then wonder why we lack the energy to keep going. Why every step carries so much weight. So much riding on every move we make. So we push, with the little energy we have. And are disappointed by the results. It affirms our doubts. Drains us a little more. And with even less energy, and so much less belief, we push again.

Sigh.

I am not going to sit here and pretend like I have all the answers. I too would love to fully disconnect from letting how close I am to my goals, dictate how i feel about myself. I too would love to be indifferent to comparison, and competition. I too would love to blissfully chase my dreams, with no expectations of how the outcome should look. I too would love to stop hungering for more, instead of appreciating what I currently have.

I want to be a self satisfied girlie so bad…but to be her, is to learn when to run, when to walk, and when to take a fucking nap. Contentment isn’t about how smoothly we glide, it’s about learning to go with the flow. There will be highs, and lows, and going through them will not always be easy. So we have to be prepared to make space for ourselves in those moments. We have to know when it is time to guide ourselves towards a chair and say, “Babe, you need to have a seat…like right now. You are doing too much.”

Because how we arrive matters. And so while we will be human, and have these moments of uncertainty, of weighted expectations, of hungering for more, because we just want what we want, the way we want it…we can also develop the awareness to realize, reassess and retreat, when the moment calls for it.

We can recognize when we are tripping, and take a step back for the good of ourselves. Our bodies tell us what we need. If it’s screaming for rest, take it. It doesn’t care about your damn to-do list, it cares about being a home for you. And you should feel at peace within it. Not exhausted, and using the last vestiges of energy you have to yell at yourself for not being as capable as you have imagined you should be.

So my dear girlie reading this newsletter, if you are feeling seen at all, here is your permission to please go IMMEDIATELY into self nurture mode. You are like an uncharged phone, your low battery light is flickering, and you need to be on a charger, getting your energy back up to a 100%. Those ideas will be waiting for you to execute, to your best ability, when you have more juice in your tank.

It really is such a peaceful and powerful realization to embrace.

I love you x