Lovergirls are Healing!
Every season is lovergirl season for the real lover girls! But since February is the month we commercially celebrate, it’s only right that this journal focuses on the Regina George of all emotions, love, an emotion so desired we dream about it, sing about it and pray it finds us and likes us back. All our lives, we have been told that its presence spells protection, affection, trust and genuine regard. So it is truly no wonder we yearn to love, and be loved.
But, in a society where love is mainly centered around romantic relationships, thus elevating its value beyond any other, and even presented as a signifier of societal value, many of us have been led to view finding a partner as our main life mission. We fear a life where we never find “our person”, some of us don’t even think life truly begins until we do. All our hopes for love are tied into a person we hope will rescue us from the imagined misery of our own life. So from this perspective (of scarcity), we can see how easily experiencing genuine love can come secondary to acquiring the validation of a romantic relationship.
In other words, we shift the focus onto having and keeping romantic relationships, than on if the love present is even worthwhile. And as Lover girls, with a tendency to love deeply, a misaligned focus can be very dangerous for our wellbeing. Because loving, (just like everything else), is best done with our focus intact. And your focus, always, has to be on what is best for you. Everything else must come secondary to that. If you need a reminder on why centering yourself is key, let me reiterate that love is not truly genuine if it doesn’t accommodate your happiness.
Learning how to love safely is a key part of opening ourselves up to a romantic relationship. No matter how much you crave finding your person, you must first desire finding a love that is nourishing to you. Our lives and our self worth are too easily derailed by toxic romantic partners, to be lax about who we share our abundant love with. As real lover girls, our first mission is to love ourselves so thoroughly that we can recognize the absence of genuine affection when it rears its ugly head. Only when your wellbeing is your goal, do you do the needful and protect your amazing self the way you need to.
So my darling lover girlies to start you off on your journey of loving safely, here are a few reminders on what a healthy relationship isn’t.
A healthy relationship is not;
Constantly debating if you are loved by the person you love. And it is not dwelling on the few good moments you had to justify your endurance. It also is not defining possessive behavior as an example of their love.
It is not thinking about what to say perfectly before you say it. It also isn’t being afraid to say what you want in fear of their reaction. It isn’t constantly feeling unsure if you are talking too much, being too quiet, always feeling unsettled around them.
It isn’t learning how to hate yourself from how annoying they convince you that you are. It isn’t finding yourself apologizing, even when you know you did nothing wrong to make peace. It isn’t always wondering why the easiest things are so difficult to get them to do.
It isn’t your emotions taking a dive everytime they come around you, your spirit clenching in preparation around them. It isn’t going from extreme highs to extreme lows, & wondering how it always gets so intense. It isn’t feeling problematic when you air your concerns.
It doesn’t feel like walking on eggshells to keep them happy. You don’t find yourself adjusting your standards to make room for “mistakes” they repeatedly make. It isn’t disconnecting from the core of yourself so you can endure them longer.
I hope these reminders help you recognize what you deserve, a love that feels like ease and not like struggle. Suffering doesn’t have to accompany your romantic relationship. Trust yourself and your ability to elevate in the absence of toxicity. You will always thrive, because you are full of love babe, and you deserve only that in return.
