Embracing Your Inner Villain
No one prepares you for how hard it is to accept that your own behavior has cost you things you have wanted, and relationships you cherished. Coming to the realization that you played a lead role in some of your life’s most colorful moments, is a real tough pill to swallow. It leaves you aghast at your choices, and even a little less trusting of yourself and your ability to do the right thing for you. And this is a completely natural sequence of events. Facing yourself, and truly seeing yourself is not an easy part of a healing journey. It’s the part a lot of people would rather ignore, because it means that their lengthy stay in the presidential suite of hotel victimhood, would soon be coming to an end. And frankly I don’t blame them, because I hate it too. The ick i get, recalling moments in my life when my own behavior hurt people and cost me things I cared about, omg. Send the flood.
I have struggled all my life with having a temper, that flares out of control in moments I am irritated, anxious, insecure or hurt. It has taken a lot of work to reel it in, but still, I have those moments when it slips past my grasp. And after those moments, I would be overwhelmed with self loathing and disappointment, sad that I am still choosing such a damaging way to communicate. But as I continued to do the work, I found myself coming to a realization, I had to embrace that side of myself, to be able to control it.
Rather than hate that side of myself for ruining the perfect version of me, I would instead be grateful that she was always there to defend me. I began to expend more energy into understanding her rather than demonizing her. She was the version of me who spoke up for me, sometimes more fiercely than she needed to. She was the version of me, ready to make sure I was not to be fucked with. She was the version of me who would burn every bridge if necessary, if she felt I was being disrespected. So why would I completely eradicate such a powerful side of myself? I needed her. I just needed to help her find a more effective way to communicate. It is up to me to know that when I am besieged with emotions that are hard to control, I have to pause and take some deep breaths, before proceeding to speak or act. It’s up to me to realize that I can deliver the same message, in a way that won’t instigate a ruckus and create unnecessary scars.
Now that I am speaking to my “villain side” and not blaming everyone else when she shows up for her fireworks show, it is much easier to communicate my displeasure, in a manner better received by the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, I still slip up, and will likely continue to, because this is lifetime work, but it is shocking how much easier it is to catch myself.
Fully accepting yourself, means you can’t pretend the ugly isn’t present. When you are aware you have sides to you that can be hurtful and problematic, it pushes you to take better care to ensure that you are not. And you don’t have to berate yourself to do that. You can find the good, yes, the good, in the ugliness of your behavior. Maybe you are super self centered, and you often get that critique about yourself and while healing, are disgusted with yourself for it. While it is very true that you can stand to think more about others, rather than throw tomatoes at yourself and be in a grip of self loathing, be grateful for the version of you that always looks out for you first, and THEN, do the work to control the way you project. Be mindful that we don’t come to this universe knowing how to control our emotions, we learn it along the way, so be easy on yourself.
Facing yourself, and truly owning the good and the bad is such an important step in your healing journey. Please remember that every side of you is important. Your light side, and dark side, all work together to your own benefit. They make you the complicated, chaotic, beautiful, messy, imperfect human that you are.
Enjoy your week ahead babe!
