Being the “Strong Friend” is Overrated.
Here’s How I Finally Let Go Of That Role.
Image Credit: Hoorae Media
I used to believe that being the “strong friend” was a badge of honor and honestly, I treated it like it was my entire personality. I was always the one who kept it together, who knew what to say, who would Venmo you for lunch before you even asked. I was the person everyone came to for advice on their messy situations, even when my own life felt like shit and I was barely holding it together. Keeping up that image was the most important thing to me but there came a point in my life when it started to wear me down in ways I couldn’t admit out loud.
Because the truth is, being the strong friend isn’t actually about being strong.
It’s about learning to hide how tired you really are.
A couple of years ago, I experienced a life changing moment that cracked something open inside of me and made me pay attention to what was actually happening in my life.
My dad had gotten really sick, so I was going through a very rough time. Life had turned into a blur of hospital waiting rooms, 2AM emails to meet deadlines, and crying in my car before walking into work like everything was fine. I was doing my regular ‘trying to keep it together for everyone around me and pretending that I was okay’ bullshit...which in hindsight was definitely adding an extra layer of stress to my life.
Anyway, one evening, in the middle of all that chaos, I got a text from one of my girlfriends asking for help with her relationship drama. And like every other time, I gave her my best advice and she replied with, "Ugh, you're always so put together."
I just remember staring at the message, feeling completely exhausted, and thinking, if only you knew.
But that was the literal moment I realized: I definitely wanted help but no one was going to help me if I kept pretending I didn’t need help.
The strong friend is always applauded for being dependable. But what happens when they need someone to lean on? Too often, they get met with silence, or worse—a “You got this, girl!” text when what they really need is someone to show up with food, a hug, an emotional support playlist, and a willingness to just sit in the mess with them.
So, what exactly is the Strong Friend Syndrome?
It’s that unspoken role we take on when we’re used to being the fixer, the shoulder to cry on, the therapist without the license. It can be a survival tactic—especially for Black women and other women of color—where strength gets confused with worth. But constantly being the one who holds it all together eventually takes its toll.
Why It’s Time to Retire From That Role
Burnout is real. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you shouldn’t have to.
People might not even realize you’re struggling. If you're always “fine,” no one thinks to check in.
You deserve soft days, too. Days where you get to be cared for, not just the caregiver.
Strength should be a choice, not an identity. You’re allowed to fall apart sometimes.
How to Retire Gracefully (and Without Guilt)
Start by being honest. Let your people know you’re not okay. It doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human.
Ask for what you need. Be specific: a hug, a vent session, help with errands. Your needs matter.
Say no. You don’t have to be everyone’s emergency contact. Protect your peace.
Redefine strength. It’s not about having no emotions—it’s about honoring them.
Build reciprocal friendships. Look for relationships where support flows both ways.
You Deserve to Be Held, Too
To all you Strong Friends out there, being the strong friend might get you applause, but it rarely gets you rest. Let this be your permission slip to lay the armor down. Let someone else be the strong one for a while. Or better yet? Let everyone be a little softer.
It’s not about abandoning your people. It’s about including yourself in that care circle. Because being strong all the time? That’s not sustainable. But being real, soft, and supported? That’s where the healing begins.
You’re allowed to be the main character and the one who gets saved sometimes. Let them show up for you—and find the people who don’t make you earn their care, who show up in the way you need, not just when it’s convenient for them.
That’s the kind of support that heals.
xx
This article was written with a guest contributor and edited to reflect the voice, tone, and standards of TGLM Media.