What Are You Co-Signing? Why Struggle-Bonding Feels Comforting but Is Secretly Sabotaging You
Could the Way You Bond Be Holding You Back?
Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox
Let’s be real—when life feels heavy, we all need a place to let it out. A group chat, a best friend, a partner, maybe even a therapist (if you have access)—someone who hears us, nods, and says, "I get it." Venting is human. Necessary, even. But at what point does venting stop helping and start holding you back?
Because here’s the thing, having a safe space to release is important—but there’s a fine line between processing pain and reinforcing it. Between being heard and staying stuck.
Holding things in and pretending you’re fine? That’s not strength—it’s self-abandonment. But neither is reliving the same struggles on repeat, mistaking validation for healing.
And that’s where struggle-bonding comes in.
Venting vs. Struggle-Bonding
Venting is a release. It’s an emotional exhale. It’s saying, I need to get this off my chest so that I can clear space for a solution, a shift in perspective, or even just a little peace of mind. It helps you process, not plant roots in the problem.
Struggle-bonding, though? It’s venting without the intention to move forward. It’s circling the same frustrations, again and again—not to find clarity, but to find confirmation that things are as bad as they feel.
It’s when a bad moment becomes your whole story. And when you surround yourself with people who do the same, it stops being an outlet and starts being an identity.
And the tricky part? It’s so subtle, you don’t even realize when venting turns into something else entirely.
At one point, I thought venting was my therapy. When things went wrong, I’d gather my emotional evidence and present it—ready for my friends to co-sign the horror of it all.
We were in this together, bonded by our mutual struggles. And at the time, it felt good. Looking back, I realize we weren’t just venting—we were reinforcing.
Every time we co-signed each other’s pain, we weren’t just expressing it—we were solidifying it as our reality. We thought we were helping each other feel seen, but really, we were keeping each other stuck.
And just like that, even on good days, I’d shrink my joy to match the mood—because when it was more fun and entertaining to mock-whine about what we lacked, what was the point of speaking positively about myself? Acknowledging the good almost felt like breaking the rules.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was conditioning myself to see life through the lens of lack. And the way I related to others only reinforced that. Because when you normalize struggle, it affects more than just your mindset—it changes the way you connect.
You start to believe that the best way to support people is to enmesh with them, to join in the struggle as a form of upliftment. But instead of truly helping, it leaves you feeling drained, diminished, and, over time, even resentful of the people you’re trying to uplift.
What starts as solidarity slowly becomes self-sacrifice. And before you know it, you’re no longer just offering support—you’re absorbing struggle as if it’s the price of connection.
The Difference Between Empathy & Emotional Enmeshment
Now, we also understand that toxic positivity is a real thing.
Toxic positivity is when people dismiss real struggles with empty, overly optimistic responses—“just be grateful,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “good vibes only.” It ignores valid pain and pressures people to suppress their emotions instead of processing them.
But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
There’s a difference between responding tone-deaf to someone’s pain and feeling pressured to mirror their emotions just to show you understand.
You can hold space for someone’s struggle without making it your own. You can offer support without diminishing yourself in the process.
Empathy doesn’t mean drowning with someone just because they’re in deep water. It means helping them recognize their own ability to swim—offering a shift in perspective, a space to be heard, and guiding them toward their own next steps.
A conversation should be something you walk away from lighter, clearer, or at least neutral—not heavier than when you entered it. If you constantly leave interactions feeling drained, it might not be support; it might be an emotional spiral disguised as connection.
And when that becomes your normal, it changes the way you see everything—including yourself.
The tricky thing is, you don’t even realize when it starts happening. You think you’re just being supportive. You think you’re just keeping it real. But little by little, you train yourself to measure connection through hardship, not joy. And the more you do that, the harder it becomes to actually feel the good things when they arrive.
No wonder I couldn’t recognize my wins.
No wonder compliments felt foreign.
No wonder—no matter how much I achieved—it never felt like enough.
Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox
Signs You’re Stuck in a Struggle Bond (and You Might Even Like It)
Before we talk about shifting from struggle-bonding to growth-bonding, let’s be honest—sometimes, struggle-bonding feels good. It offers a sense of connection, a shared understanding, even an identity. But at what cost?
Here are some signs you might be more attached to your struggle than you realize:
You get upset when friends offer solutions instead of just agreeing with your frustration. Because deep down, you’re not ready to fix it—you want to be validated in your pain.
You find yourself telling the same story where you’re the underdog, again and again. Different situation, same role—you as the one who never gets what they want.
Some of your favorite moments involve rehashing a low point. You bond over it, relive it, and feel comforted by the familiarity of the pain.
You get annoyed when people stop reacting as strongly to your story. The lack of sympathy feels like rejection. If they’re not emotionally invested anymore, what does that mean for you?
You feel uneasy when things are actually going well. Struggle feels normal. Ease feels unfamiliar, even suspicious.
You downplay your wins, afraid they’ll make others uncomfortable. Instead of celebrating yourself, you shrink, worried you’ll lose connection with those still in the trenches.
You secretly enjoy the “us vs. them” dynamic. The idea that you and your people “just don’t get the same chances as others” feels comforting, even if it’s limiting.
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about shame—it’s about awareness. If any of these sound familiar, it’s a sign that struggle-bonding might be keeping you emotionally stuck in ways you don’t even realize. And once you see it, you can start choosing something different.
The Trap of Struggle-Bonding
Here’s the thing about co-signing negativity—it doesn’t just shape your future, it becomes your present.
When you believe you’re always behind, you live like someone who is always behind. When you believe you never get the good things, you start expecting disappointment. When you believe struggle is your identity, you unconsciously reject ease—even when it’s right in front of you.
And the wildest part? You don’t even realize it’s happening.
Because it’s not just the words you say out loud—it’s the way you see yourself. It’s that little voice that tells you:
You didn’t do it as well as them.
Something is always off about what you create.
You’re always getting the worst version.
Your wins are never as big as other people’s.
If something comes easily, it probably isn’t valuable.
If you stop struggling, people will think you don’t deserve what you have.
Other people are naturally lucky, but you have to fight for everything.
If you succeed, you’ll lose your bond with people who are still struggling.
You have to “earn” ease—but somehow, you never do.
At some point, you have to ask yourself:
Do I want to feel better, or do I just want to be understood in my struggle?
Am I looking for solutions, or am I just looking for validation that life is hard?
Is my circle co-signing my growth—or my stagnation?
Because the truth is, if you want to break free, you have to start co-signing something else.
How to Shift from Struggle-Bonding to Growth-Bonding
Vocalize your struggles without making them your identity. You are allowed to talk about what you’re going through, but don’t let it define you. Instead of saying “I’m always unlucky,” try “This is a challenge, but I’m working through it.” The way you frame your experience matters.
Choose friends who challenge you to grow, not just agree with your struggle. The best support systems don’t just listen, they help you expand. A real friend will validate your feelings, but they will also ask, “What do you want to do about it?”
Journal before venting to others. Sometimes, you don’t need external validation—you need clarity. Writing things down helps you process your emotions without unintentionally reinforcing negative patterns.
Celebrate your wins—even when they feel small. Struggle-bonding makes it easy to downplay progress. Start noticing the good things. Every little win is proof that you’re moving forward.
Recognize when your venting becomes rehearsed storytelling. If you keep telling the same painful story without a shift in perspective, pause. Ask yourself, Am I venting to process, or am I reinforcing a belief that keeps me stuck?
See growth as a series of choices, not just a destination. You don’t have to wait for a perfect moment to change. Every day, you have the choice to move differently. Small shifts add up.
You Are Not Destined to Struggle
Struggle may have felt like home, but it was never meant to be your forever. You are not obligated to stay in a cycle just because it’s familiar. You don’t have to keep proving how hard it is—you are allowed to step into something better.
You get to choose a new story. One where effort isn’t mistaken for suffering. One where growth doesn’t require self-sacrifice. One where you aren’t waiting for permission to embrace ease, joy, and success. One where joy and success don’t become so uncomfortable that recognizing and embracing them feels almost impossible.
So stop waiting for the perfect moment. Stop waiting for everything to align before you allow yourself to believe in a better reality. It starts with what you co-sign—right now.
Co-sign growth.
Co-sign abundance.
Co-sign your own becoming.
Because when you stop identifying with struggle, you make room for everything else that was always meant for you.
Watch what happens next.
