People Pleaser Recovery 101 (Part 2)

Before we begin, please read the first installment of this essay.

If you recall, we had a little intervention, where I broke the news to you, that you too could likely be a people pleaser. Congratulations! *_*

In the second installment of this essay, we will be focusing on how to recover, and reclaim your yourself.

People pleasing is a hard habit to break. For one, it’s our tried and tested way of engaging with the world around us. We have seen it work, and for many, it’s provided us a form of community, and sometimes even opportunities that may have been out of reach. We tell ourselves that “fitting in” comes with its rewards, even if it may be personally detrimental to us. Our mind convinces us of its importance, which is why we become experts at side stepping our true natures, in favor of seeking approval and validation from others.

Alas, it’s all bullshit.

The amount of energy we invest into “fitting in”, and “being part of the group”, is lost to building a version of ourselves that we are not even happy being. It’s literally like spending all your money to build a house, that everyone else gets to live in comfortably, while you watch them frolic from the attic. You deserve to be happy in your body, and in your life. And you can be.

Walking away from long held beliefs, may not happen overnight, but they can happen over time. And to do so, we have to teach ourselves new things to believe. To rid myself of my people pleasing ways, I had to first;

Understand the Root Cause:

To confront and conquer any issue, one must first understand its origins. Growing up, I was very independent minded, stubborn and talkative. I got into a lot of trouble at home for speaking my mind, and over time I internalized that being outspoken came with consequences. So engaging with the world outside of my family, I yearned for a different experience. So I shared myself with the world differently. I thought being a more muted, less provoking version of me would be an easier experience. And it was not.

Recognize the Consequences:

People pleasing takes such a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Being a more agreeable, less outspoken, “easier” version of myself that I hoped would be more likeable, left me feeling drained, resentful, and unfulfilled. I became so much of an expert at being this version of me, that sometimes being my true self was too shocking, even for me. And so there would be moments, I would let things slide, rather than assert boundaries, because “I was nice “and it was too out of character to suddenly react in my true self, and speak my real truth. Which of course resulted in several instances of people taking advantage of my accommodating nature.

Acknowledge the Need for Change:

The turning point in my journey came when I felt a deep disconnect with myself post pandemic. Social engagements felt like a chore. A performance I had no interest in participating in. Spending so much time alone during quarantine, in my thoughts, looking at my patterns of behavior, helped me realize that I had internalized so much negative projection, that it kept me in shrink mode. It kept me justifying why the full me was too big, and too bad to freely exist. And seeking approval outside of myself, was not only unsustainable, it was detrimental to my self-esteem. I would much rather be disliked for being my true self, than liked for being a version of me that I didn’t even respect. I had to disconnect myself from prioritizing the value of likability, by recognizing that true happiness and fulfillment could only be attained by honoring my authentic self.

Embrace Radical Self-Compassion:

One of the hardest parts of recognizing your people pleaser tendencies, are the involuntary montages that accompany it. You are going not be able to unsee it. Suddenly you see the pattern in so many of your social interactions over the years, and it is so fucking cringe. Sigh. And this is where you have to become the parent to your inner child. You have to remember that past you constructed this version of you, at a time when you didn’t know any better. It was what you leaned on to survive. And you did your best, and now that you are aware, it’s okay to hand over the reins, back to today you. Please DO NOT go down that tempting lane of feeling like a loser for ever devaluing your authenticity to fit in, instead, embrace your courage to make this change. Because there is nothing harder than walking away from a “falsely enticing” world that you have already built, to chase an unknown future. Be proud of yourself, and tell yourself that every single second.

Setting Boundaries:

Flexes fingers

Now this is where you test drive the new and improved version of you. Setting boundaries, is when you begin to speak up for yourself, and assert your true feelings and emotions, and it is going to feel literally insane. All your panic signals will be blaring, but focus on making yourself clear. Fear of backlash and disapproval, has held you hostage long enough. The worst that can happen is being set free. If communicating your needs and enforcing healthy boundaries, is not accepted by the people around you, then they don’t deserve to be around you. You have to stand on business babe, it will literally change your life in the most powerful and reviving way.

Cultivating Authenticity:

The moments that will follow recovering from your people pleasing tendencies, will be some of the best you have experienced.

Raw? yes, Awkward? for sure, Vulnerable? All the time.

You will experience so much of yourself, because you are now truly connected to you. You will begin to rediscover when you truly feel like you, and when you are sliding back into the “falsely comforting” version of you. It’s human to seek validation, from time to time. Let’s be realistic, we have to survive! But you will at least be present in the moments you do, and aware enough to nudge yourself out of it. You will realize that life is yours to live how you want. And that people you want around you, will change. You will begin to seek energy close to you, that aligns with yours, so you never feel the pull to be a version that is outside of your true self.

Now remember, recovering from people-pleasing is not a linear process but rather a continuous evolution. So what we are not going to do, is be frustrated at setbacks. Setbacks are an inevitable part of growth. Please celebrate the hard work of change. There are no small victories when it comes to building up yourself.

So to my girlies now enrolled in People Pleasing Recovery 101, let’s keep healing and becoming our most favorite versions of ourselves.

I am so SO proud of you.

x