How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships

I always say to people, no one can make you leave a relationship until you are ready.

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It is quite hard to mistake what it feels like when you are truly wanted and desired. If you have never known what that feels like, let me tell you.

It feels like being yourself is easily the only expectation. It feels like everything you say or do is welcomed, understood, and—even when it is not the most positive contribution—accepted. It feels like you don’t have to be perfect, just being you is enough. It feels like the sweetest of friendships—a connection so strong that even distance and time cannot diminish it. It feels effortless. You never have to try so hard to connect or to matter.

It is impossible to mistake the feeling of being a priority. That feeling is undeniable when you know you matter, when you are listened to, and when you are cared for in a way that makes it apparent your wants and needs are considered by the person you love. Their actions consider you.

I stress this because it is often the reason why we run into disagreements with people we love romantically.

Their actions don’t consider you.

They act knowing full well that it would harm you. Their needs are deemed more important, a more pressing priority than your hurt. Your hurt becomes a risk they are willing to take.

We spend so long in this foggy area, unclear on what it means for the person we romantically love to keep taking the risk of hurting us. We question ourselves. We question our close ones.

“What does this mean?”

We try to get to the bottom of it. We justify our reasons for remaining in the relationship, after all, there are some good parts.

“There is still love. I still have butterflies. We still have such an amazing connection when we are together, when we are happy.”

A connection that we believe makes it worth the wait.

“Once they realize what they could lose, things will be different.”

We threaten to leave, hoping it jolts them into realization. But we are always there, even when we threaten to leave. The thing about romantic relationships is that you can always tell who is more emotionally involved. When we threaten to leave while being present emotionally, our unspoken message reads loud and clear.

We make threats buoyed by emotions of longing and hope, a one-sided yearning for change present in the ultimatums we make.

“I will leave, if you don’t…”

Your threats of leaving are dependent on performance expectations of your partner. They tell your partner that you are still present, still ready to be with them until they finally get it together. They are aware of your willingness to stay, even as you believe you are passionately giving them an ultimatum. What they hear is that they have another chance to have you with them, despite deliberately choosing to hurt you multiple times.

They hear it. They see your struggle to be strong. They just don’t care enough to give you what you want, because they don’t love you enough.

The Disconnect

The disconnect happens when you realize that there will be no change. It happens when the change finally comes too late and after too much. The disconnect happens when you become aware of the time you spent giving unreciprocated loyalty, attention, and love to someone who acted as if those things were not difficult for you to give.

The disconnect happens when you realize that a person who deliberately hurt you multiple times does not deserve any more from you—emotionally or physically. The disconnect happens when you become at home with the realization that you would rather be happier loving yourself alone than hating yourself with someone who is supposed to love you.

The disconnect happens when you realize they have nothing to offer you but more pain, distress, insecurity, questions, and anxiety. And when that disconnect finally happens—when your heart is exhausted from loving tirelessly to no aim and no reward—you will be strong enough to walk away.

And when you do, you will look back on your experience and say to yourself, "Never again."

And I hope you keep that promise to yourself.