It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Los Angeles. I’m sitting on my balcony, sipping chai from a flask, and writing this journal entry—thinking about how best to introduce you to the possibility that you, my dear girlie, might be a people pleaser.

Some of you may already know this about yourselves. Maybe you’re on your sixth step of recovery. But for the rest of you, please find a quiet area where I can break the news gently.

People Pleasing Isn’t Just for the “Nice Girls”

When we think of a people pleaser, we usually imagine someone timid, overly agreeable, and afraid to speak up—a doormat of sorts. With that specific image in mind, many of us who are more vocal, opinionated, and bold never stop to consider that we might also be guilty of this pattern.

But people pleasing isn’t just for the meek girlies who struggle to say no. It’s also a pandemic afflicting the outspoken ones—the ones who worry that their full selves might be too much for the people they care about.

Somewhere along your many social life experiences, you may have picked up the idea that you are more acceptable, more lovable, more preferred when you only show certain parts of yourself—in muted or exaggerated degrees. That curating how much of yourself to reveal in different settings would make life easier. And to some degree, it does.

But when you depend on these adjustments to be liked, when you attach yourself to only a few “acceptable” versions of yourself, you may have unknowingly stepped into chronic people-pleasing territory. You become anxious about letting other parts of yourself slip through. You begin to fear being perceived differently than how you’ve carefully presented yourself.

How to Know If You’re a People Pleaser (Even If You’re Not a Doormat)

• You dial yourself down in certain settings. You filter your true opinions, overthink how you’re perceived, or mute parts of yourself for acceptance.

• You play the “easygoing” role to avoid making waves, choosing neutrality even when you feel strongly about something.

• You are the entertainer, the fixer, the one who keeps spirits high—but after socializing, you feel drained and empty.

• You’ve built an identity around being agreeable, witty, or fun—believing that’s why people value you, instead of trusting that they love you for you.

• You go along with things to keep the peace. You blend into the group rather than risk being the one who stands out.

• You’ve internalized the idea that being yourself is unsafe. That being too opinionated, too assertive, or too honest will cost you approval.

At its core, people pleasing is rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of disapproval, fear of not belonging. Somewhere along the way, many of us have learned that belonging to the collective feels safer than standing fully in our truth.

But at what cost?

The Emotional Toll of People Pleasing

For a while, people pleasing feels rewarding. You’re surrounded by people who enjoy your carefully curated presence—of course they do, it’s been shaped for their comfort.

But how do you really feel?

• Are you exhausted from keeping up the version of yourself that’s best for everyone but you?

• Are you tired of using your energy in ways that drain you?

• Do you even like the version of yourself that you’ve built for others?

We always underestimate the energy cost of going against ourselves.

My Wake-Up Call: The Pandemic Forced Me to See Myself

Before 2020, I was comfortable in social settings. I knew how to read a room, what to say, what to withhold, and how to be well-liked. I thought these were the traits of a good person. After all, making others comfortable and happy is a good thing, right?

But when the pandemic forced us into isolation, I had nowhere to perform. I had time to sit with myself. And what I realized was unsettling:

• Had I internalized that my true self was unlikable?

• Why did I spend so much energy curating a version of myself for others?

• What parts of me had I deemed too “wrong” to show?

When the world reopened, I felt different. Socializing became harder, not easier. I no longer wanted to shuffle between different versions of myself to meet people’s expectations. The dissonance between the person I was and the person I had pretended to be was too strong.

I knew I had two choices: learn how to be myself in every setting, or retreat into solitude to avoid the discomfort.

Breaking Free from People Pleasing

This is what I had to teach myself:

• Your full self is not “too much.” The right people won’t make you shrink to be digestible.

• Your comfort matters too. If you constantly adjust yourself to fit every room, you’ll forget what it’s like to belong anywhere.

• Belonging at the cost of self-betrayal isn’t real belonging. If you have to perform for acceptance, it’s not truly yours.

• Being liked isn’t the same as being valued. Stop trading authenticity for approval.

• You don’t have to be for everyone. And that’s a good thing.

To Be Continued…

Learning to unlearn people-pleasing is an act of self-respect. If this essay made you feel seen—good. Because you deserve to be seen, fully.

Next time, we’ll talk about how to stop reshaping yourself for approval.

Until then, ask yourself this:

Who are you when you stop thinking about how others see you?

Sit with that. See what comes up.

READ PART 2