Nigerian women deserve a gold medal for our outstanding ability to fake an orgasm, or act ignorant when it comes to sex. If a proper survey is carried out, I won’t be surprised if more than half of sexually active Nigerian women admit to never experiencing orgasms.
For donkey years, women have been taught it’s a taboo to talk, ask for or have sexual preferences or desires. “How dare you lowly-creature-with-feminine-genitals know so much about sex, it’s not your place!”
We are meant to be “nurturers”, our duty is to cook, clean, procreate and do whatever our “masters” say (including sexually), so when women eventually date or get married, we feign knowledge of sex when asked. Even when we’re sexually active, we are supposed to pretend our knowledge of sex is negligible, we follow a script and play the role of the sexually innocent girl.
The time to finally have sex comes after the famine period and of course, only after some persuasion on his part. For clarity, the famine period is the time you are supposed to make him wait to prove his love for you before engaging in sexual activity. This is also where he quizzes you about sex, asking questions like, “ what do you like?, ‘what is your favorite style’ and ‘where do you like to be touched?’ Of course, our responses are usually shyly worded, never expressive of our actual desires. We respond evasively with ‘I don’t really have a favorite style’. A ridiculous answer, especially when we do have a response.
We have internalized the opinion that negative value is associated with women who are vocal about sex. It leaves most mute and feigning total ignorance when asked about sex. It is also the reason why we feel that we should stall being physical early, because we have been told that it makes you more respected in the relationship.
Don’t be cheap, they say.
BOLA: It’s 11:50pm, you had better be dying or this had better be something extremely important, Chioma. I’m dead serious…for you to be calling me at this time, because you just interrupted my sleep!
CHIOMA: Which one is that one? Can’t I call you again? Abeg, me I can’t sleep.
BOLA: Why can’t you sleep? Please, tell me this is not about the same ol’ story you have been badgering me with for weeks now.
CHIOMA: (laughing hysterically)
BOLA: (hisses) …okay I am going to sleep. I can’t ruin my sleep to listen to you whine about a man that you’ll probably never see again.
CHIOMA: That’s why it’s called a one-night stand, in case you don’t know. I didn’t call you to argue, biko. I can’t stop thinking about that night (in a sultry tone). That sex is the best sex I have ever had, and I keep thinking about it because after that guy, none of the men I have been with can touch me the same way.
It’s so frustrating! They keep asking ‘what do u want’, they never know what to do. Can’t they use their initiative? (Hisses)
You don’t know how I feel right now, it’s annoying.
BOLA: Yes I don’t know how you feel but I know how I feel, I want to sleep. I’ve heard you talk about this for weeks, the tale of your ‘Your best sex ever and the other men not knowing what to do bla bla bla’. Please I am going back to sleep, I can’t think straight. We will continue tomorrow as usual. Good Night.
CHIOMA: You are not useful. Bye jare.
We can’t expect men to have super powers and know how to please us. Just because one man got it right without your help doesn’t mean other men won’t need help.
Men are not magicians; they don’t have super powers (except when they’re trying to lie, a supernatural power takes over them). The only way sex can be enjoyed is with proper communication. You need to be able to freely talk about what you want. As a woman, I know we have been conditioned to think that freely talking about sex means you are irresponsible, wayward, or a whore but that’s not true, we need to stop shaming women for their sexual nature and desires.
Women were created to be sexual beings, and as such, have the right to be vocal and expressive when it comes to issues regarding sex. Sex is meant to be enjoyed and desired by both parties and not just men.
So ladies, grab a cup of coffee, kick back and make a list of the ways you want to be pleasured, sex styles you have tried before and the ones you saw on TV screens or read about and you've been dying to try out, but the fear of getting called a 'whore' has been preventing you from asking for it. Get that list and show it your man or better still scratch that, tell him face to face about all your sexual fantasies without any shame or fear.
Best of luck.
Written by Melody Hassan