This post particularly discusses an ex who felt super comfortable and insecure but I read that for loyalty. Lost much?
My first boyfriend was young, Christian and smart. I met him in church when I was about 15 years old and he was 18/19 I believe.
I was in boarding school and he had graduated high school so we were in a long distance relationship at first. I saw him when I came home for the holidays and it was fun because distance makes the heart grow fonder right?
Anytime I came back home for the holiday, it was all about fun i.e. shopping, partying, private pool trips, late night okada rides (Yoruba word for bikes) and off course church moves as it was another chance to see each other’s faces.
Everything was rosy and it was almost as if we were the envy of the town since it was a small city – my parents were known for their academic professions while his mum had a mini mart in a popular area in town.
People wondered how we did it, how we stayed together and seemed happy. I never really spoke to anyone, so no one knew any details about our relationship and in the beginning, everything was super fun so I had nothing to ‘complain’ about or discuss.
Even if I did, being socially awkward and having low self esteem did not help me make friends, and as you can imagine I snowballed into the relationship and slowly never really went home except for when it was time for bed.
As time passed, I graduated high school and managed to keep the secret that I actually had a boyfriend from my mates, so again, no one really knew much.
I moved back home permanently and got to know Fiyo better since I now had more time for my amazing relationship. As expected, I grew a bit and knew I wanted to make friends and meet more people. I also found out that I would not travel outside the country for college right after high school so I had to start university in our town, Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria.
I got into the same university he was in and he was even more excited I would be living on campus but as time went on I realized he didn’t really want me to speak to a lot of people. He did not want my attention divided at all or time shared.
Anytime I had plans, I had to tell him with whom, where and what time I’ll be back and free to hangout again. I never really had a me time or spent time alone.
I shared my pocket money and everything else I had with him because he was my best friend and I felt safe because I thought that if he had all these things, he would do the same for me.
Even though I had to do all these things, as a man, he felt he didn’t need to tell me where he was going or share everything about himself but for some reason it applied to me and I adhered. I slowly feared him because if I didn’t act right he could get upset and it would be a rough day.
People in church always approached my mother to ask what her daughter was doing with this boy but my mum would brush it off knowing she did not want to discuss something that bothered her with outsiders.
She always tried to ask me if I was happy and what exactly we were doing but I was constantly on defense and saw no issues with my relationship until I had my first male friend that he knew about.
Granted my male friend may have liked me but I was not in the wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. One evening, I was bored and went to go visit my new male friend to watch a show so I walked, as it was safe on campus, and the weather was nice.
Little did I know I was being followed, I got there and left my shoes at the door, went into the quarters as it was an open dormitory setting so doors can be left open with a net shield to keep bugs away.
As we watched the show and talked about class since we were both studying law, the rain started. It was heavy and scary and when it ended, I was ready to leave but I could not find my shoes. We asked other neighbors questions until Seyi (my friend) realized something was weird as he saw someone peeking earlier but thought the rain was playing with his mind.
I immediately got scared, and I’m not sure why, but I didn’t feel okay knowing I may have been followed. I had Seyi drive me back to my dorm but I couldn’t sleep so I went to see Fiyo to ask if he followed me that night.
Neighbors had mentioned seeing a tall male figure earlier but my ex was not as tall as they described so I figure there may have been more than one person – this made me even more concerned.
When I got to his place the rain started and I was outside knocking for a while until he came out and asked, “What do you want?”. I was shocked, wondering why he didn’t open the gate seeing that I was wet and freezing.
I asked if he followed me that night and he laughed saying I was crazy.
In my frustration, I asked why I wasn’t being let in and he said I was not invited over that I should go back to where I’m coming from.
That was it for me, I began a wild journey of confusion because I thought he loved and trusted me but he didn’t. I tried to find answers but I found myself running in circles and talking to people but no one wanted trouble so they didn’t advice me much and I honestly did not open up enough anyway as I was still afraid that he would do something worse.
About a month later, things were a bit off but I knew I didn’t want the relationship anymore, I simply couldn’t figure out how to voice my feelings and feel safe at the same time. I began to let it show in my actions by not being available, making new friends, going home more often instead of running away etc.
One day I was with Fiyo, and he had issues with my friendship with Seyi and asked me to drive to his place so I did. If I had said no, he may have hit me which he eventually did that day.
He basically confronted us both when we got the there and yelled at at us trying to understand why we were even friends in the first place. Seyi tried to calm him down but aggravated him even more that he slapped me. After warning Seyi to stay away I drove off alone, embarrassed and hurt because I could not understand why I deserved such treatment.
In that moment, I felt like his property. I had given him my virginity and he now felt he owned me so I was his prisoner. There were subtle signs that had led on to this point such as him having sexual relations when I did not feel like it, feeling entitled to things I had, being controlling and more.
It took two rebounds to get him away from me but I was still hurt, lost and needed to heal from the experience.
As I didn’t know better at the time, I was in another relationship sooner than necessary but figured me out much later.
*Inserts heavy sigh of relief here*
Fiyo was insecure and enjoyed what I had to offer, knowing he did not deserve it he made sure he felt like home and didn’t want me to have other friends etc.
He also wanted to control me so anyone that came close was known and redirected especially guys that were a threat to him like Seyi.
To add to the the injury, I did not love myself so it was a recipe for disaster from day one.
Is it resolved?
Yes, time and prayer has healed me as I am able to love again. He also called years later to apologize but I had already forgiven him and moved on.
This blog post is almost the last piece to my healing as I am now comfortable enough to share and help other women recognize the signs of an insecure man.
Stay beautiful and woke loves!
Words by: Adeola Adebamowo.
Adeola is a plus size model, personal development and style blogger whose blog is centered on helping women find themselves by sharing lifestyle and growth tips to push every girl to her ultimate self.
You can follow her blog here and follow her on Instagram @Curvaceous_addie